I’ve come to terms with what we are, and unfortunately, I’m afraid it’s going to get worse before it improves. The good news is that it can’t possibly get much worse than it’s already become without some sort of significant change taking place. So, for those of you looking ahead to the weekend — congrats, that’s great, hope you enjoy it. For those of you in my camp, buckle down, hit the bottle, and pray that the misery is mercifully nearing its peak.
Nottingham Forest vs. Manchester United
15:00, Saturday, 1 November, The City Ground
Sean Dyche’s first league game in charge of the Trees went about as expected, albeit through no fault of his own. Forest appear to be an utter mess at the moment, and I sympathise with what you lot are probably feeling heading into the weekend. Guess all the layoffs paid worked, and United are world-beaters again — at least that’s what I’ve been told.
Prediction: 2–1 United
First Goalscorer: Matheus Cunha
Fulham vs. Wolves
15:00, Saturday, 1 November, Craven Cottage
Wolves are nearing unspeakable depths of footballing hell. I see so few positives each time I watch this side play that it’s beginning to impact my love for the sport. Fulham have lost four on the bounce, but I fully expect Marco Silva to correct that this weekend. If he doesn’t, some serious conversations may need to be had.
Prediction: 2–0 Fulham
First Goalscorer: Alex Iwobi
Crystal Palace vs. Brentford
15:00, Saturday, 1 November, Selhurst Park
At least these two sides can revel in their shared love of terrorising teams led by Arne Slot. If Palace have learned how to defend long throw-ins properly and not to kick people in the box, they’ll probably be fine.
Prediction: 3–1 Palace
First Goalscorer: JP Mateta
Burnley vs. Arsenal
15:00, Saturday, 1 November, Turf Moor
This game’s bound to get me in a great mood prior to watching us attempt to play football five hours later. At least there’ll be an excuse to be pissed by five.
Prediction: 3–0 Arsenal
First Goalscorer: Gabriel
Brighton & Hove Albion vs. Leeds United
15:00, Saturday, 1 November, The Amex
Brighton greatly disappointed me last weekend at Old Trafford — but why would I be shocked? It seems to be a pretty common trend for me watching footy at the moment. Leeds looked bright in their victory over West Ham at Elland Road last weekend; I could see them coming out strong on Saturday before fading down the stretch.
Prediction: 2–1 Brighton
First Goalscorer: DCL (has he scored yet? More or less forgot he existed until last weekend)
Tottenham Hotspur vs. Chelsea
17:30, Saturday, 1 November, Tottenham Hotspur Stadium
Spurs went to Hill Dick last weekend and made it their playground. Chelsea were stunned by Sunderland at the Bridge in a game reminiscent of watching Greece play in the ’04 Euros. Both sides have probably been a bit too stop–start for either set of supporters to be fully satisfied going into Saturday, and this is a matchup that Spurs have struggled with mightily in recent years. All that said, I think it’s got the potential to produce a wonderful game of football.
Prediction: 2–2
First Goalscorer: Brennan Johnson
Liverpool vs. Aston Villa
20:00, Saturday, 1 November, Anfield
At least I’ll be able to enjoy a full Saturday before the weekend is inevitably torpedoed. I’d offer a laundry list of ideas on how to fix some of our issues, but I’m not being paid to do that — in fact, I’m not being paid at all. Let’s earn those extortionate paycheques this week and stop the rot, gents.
Prediction: 1–1
First Goalscorer: Ollie Watkins
West Ham United vs. Newcastle United
14:00, Sunday, 2 November, London Stadium
The football from West Ham thus far has rivalled Wolves in terms of despair and utter hopelessness. The difference between the sides is that I know West Ham do in fact have several players more than capable of making a difference at this level. Paquetá when he’s not down PaddyPower, and Jarrod Bowen when he’s not (full disclosure: he seems like a lovely fella, so it feels a bit out of taste to make something up here), are capable of levels that touch world class on their day. Surely one of those days is coming soon — why not this weekend?
Prediction: 1–0 West Ham
First Goalscorer: Jarrod Bowen
Manchester City vs. Bournemouth
16:30, Sunday, 2 November, The Etihad
To be fair, after the shitshow I watched at Brentford last weekend, I was in no mood to watch any of the footy on Sunday as I lingered in the depths of a soul-shattering hangover. I was shocked to discover that Villa had beaten City given their recent run of form, but I couldn’t tell you how it happened. The Cherries have been one of my favourite sides to watch this season, and I think they’ll make a statement on Sunday afternoon. Here’s to hoping.
Prediction: 2–1 Bournemouth
First Goalscorer: Antoine Semenyo
Sunderland vs. Everton
20:00, Monday, 3 November, Stadium of Light
For what I believe is the first time this season, we have a Monday fixture that isn’t absolutely rotten. The Stadium of Light will be bouncing given the Black Cats’ result at the weekend — and why shouldn’t it be? Those folk know suffering, and I’m pleased that they’ve been able to experience what this side has achieved so far this season. It’s also a big one for the Ev as they try to respond after being thrashed at home by Spurs. While an early goal would do this one a world of good, I don’t see one coming, and I’m afraid it may become quite cagey and leave us where we began.
Prediction: 1–1
First Goalscorer: Iliman Ndiaye
Nil Nil Lads: Raise the Bottle, Lower Your Standards
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