Well, that was a long two weeks. I won’t do a full recap of the Arsenal game because, let’s be honest, I’m relatively lazy and 81 minutes of that game was an assault on the eyeballs. When the visiting team sets up with four centre-halves and three defensive midfielders, I’m fairly certain you can’t expect any other outcome. Mikel Arteta’s Stoke City 3.0 is an unfortunate result of modern football — this ideology of wholly eradicating mistakes is reminiscent of the 2014 Nike advert before the World Cup (the cartoon one with the clones). If you go into a match not to lose, you produce boring, robotic football — and the small Spaniard seems to have mastered this over the previous two seasons.
Thankfully, we employ a Hungarian swimsuit model with a lightning-rod of a right boot. If I had to hear that absolutely asinine ‘unbeaten against the Big Six’ claim for another week, I think you might have been reading about me in the Echo. After a two-minute monologue of pleading for Dom not to take it on from 40 yards, I knew where it was going the moment it left his foot. The technique was exquisite. Christ could have been between the sticks and it wouldn’t have made a shred of difference.
While the goal itself was undoubtedly the highlight, the lads’ response afterwards was what left me most excited heading into the international break. After conceding two-goal cushions against both Bournemouth and Newcastle, I wasn’t exactly filled with confidence that we would get it over the line. It helps to have Virgil van Dijk and Wataru Endo, though. The Dutchman headed away a barrage of late crosses, and the Japanese midfielder rode Gyökeres like a donkey to break up an Arsenal counter — and that was that. One-nil. Nine points from three. Happy days. Roll on Sunday.
We also signed Isak. Boss.
Match Predictions
Arsenal v Nottingham Forest
12:30, Saturday 13 September, Emirates Stadium
Big Ange is back. How you could sack Nuno after what he achieved for Forest is unbelievable – but the owner is a fucking loon, so perhaps not. I’ve rarely seen a group of players less suited to a tactical style, as this current side is to Ange. Will he change? Probably not.
Prediction: 4-1 Stoke
First Goalscorer: Gabriel
Bournemouth v Brighton & Hove Albion
15:00, Saturday 13 September, Vitality Stadium
Both clubs showed why the Premier League is so competitive last time out, with Bournemouth beating a red-hot Tottenham in North London and Brighton, powered by spry legs of James Milner, defeating Pep’s City. This has all the makings of one of the weekend’s better watches — goals feel inevitable, and I think the Cherries find a way at home.
Prediction: 3-2 Bournemouth
First Goalscorer: Antoine Semenyo
Crystal Palace v Sunderland
15:00, Saturday 13 September, Selhurst Park
While Glasner may have lost Eze, the Austrian made certain not to lose Guehi — cheers for that. Wilson Isidor’s last-minute winner propelled Sunderland past a languishing Brentford side at the Stadium of Light, while Palace went to the Midlands and absolutely throttled Villa. Sunderland have impressed me thus far, but I think it’s a straightforward day at the office for Palace.
Prediction: 2-0 Palace
First Goalscorer: JP Mateta
Everton v Aston Villa
15:00, Saturday 13 September, Hill Dickinson Stadium
I genuinely have no idea what will happen here — your guess is as good as mine. Are Villa actually atrocious? If they are beaten soundly again, then I may have to say yes. Everton are looking alright, but every time in the past five years that I’ve thought they’d turned a corner, they’ve immediately reverted to their old ways.
Prediction: 1-1
First Goalscorer: Ollie Watkins
Fulham v Leeds United
15:00, Saturday 13 September, Craven Cottage
Fulham have made a slow start this season but given their opponents for the first three matches that may have been expected. They’ve not looked particularly poor in any of the games thus far, with Robert Jones and VAR taking centre stage for their ridiculous interpretations on the laws of the game at Stamford Bridge prior to the international break. They should cruise past Leeds at home.
Prediction: 2-1 Fulham
First Goalscorer: Rodrigo Muniz
Newcastle United v Wolverhampton Wanderers
15:00, Saturday 13 September, St James’ Park
The Mags welcome two newcomers on the Tyne, with Nick Woltemade and Yoane Wissa set to make their debuts. Will they effectively replace Isak? Almost certainly not — but don’t tell the Geordies. Wolves are dreadful, so it shouldn’t matter this week.
Prediction: 2-0 Newcastle
First Goalscorer: Anthony Gordon
West Ham United v Tottenham Hotspur
17:30, Saturday 13 September, London Stadium
If someone had told me that one of the managers would be sacked after West Ham’s match against Forest before the break, I would have staked my entire net worth (£1,500) on Graham Potter – and been left homeless. The Irons looked like they had a pulse for the first time this season and fully deserved their 3-0 victory on the banks of the Trent. After Spurs’ quick start, the loss at home to Bournemouth will have been a massive frustration, but a win in the lifeless concrete bowl would get them back on track.
Prediction: 2-1 Spurs
First Goalscorer: Mohamed Kudus
Brentford v Chelsea
20:00, Saturday 13 September, Gtech Community Stadium
After conceding a last-minute winner to Sunderland, it’s ideal for the Bees to return home to the GTech after such a gut-punch. What’s not ideal is the opposition. I reckon Keith Andrews’ men keep it close for a while, but Chelsea’s quality will tell in the end.
Prediction: 2-1 Chelsea
First Goalscorer: Kevin Schade
Burnley v Liverpool
14:00, Sunday 14 September, Turf Moor
I’ve never been more excited to watch a match against Burnley. I can’t see Isak starting, but after his 20-minute cameo with Sweden over the break, I think he’ll get at least a 15-minute run-out late on. Exciting days to be a Red. That said, Burnley have always been a tough side to break down at home — just stay patient and get it done.
Prediction: 3-1 Liverpool
First Goalscorer: Hugo Ekitike
Manchester City v Manchester United
16:30, Sunday 14 September, Etihad Stadium
This edition of the Manchester Derby sees both sides off to slow starts and riddled with injuries. Omar Marmoush looks to have picked up a nasty knee injury on international duty with Egypt, adding to City’s growing casualty list. For United, Cunha is a doubt — as, frankly, are most of Amorim’s attacking options. He has been United’s only source of creativity this season, so good luck without him if that’s the case. Fortunately for City, Erling Haaland is fit after his five-goal contribution against World Cup favourites Moldova over the break. United have had joy at the Etihad in recent years, but I can’t see it happening again this weekend.
Prediction: 2-0 City
First Goalscorer: Erling Haaland
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