I will preface this post by saying the following: I’ve worked 60 of the last 72 hours, and I’m absolutely shattered; but as Bill Shankly said, “I’m a people’s man—only the people matter,” and I refuse to let the people down. That being said, I’m fucking off the knee-jerk reactions this week because: 1. I’m deliriously exhausted; and 2. The fixtures last weekend left a bit to be desired. I’ll leave you all with one more quote from the great man that rang true nearly 50 years ago and remains true today: “If Everton were playing in my back garden, I’d draw the curtains.” Let’s get stuck in, shall we?
West Ham vs. Chelsea
12:30, Saturday, September 21st, London Stadium
The Irons welcome the Blues for the noon kickoff this Saturday. It’s a ground in which Chelsea have struggled in recent years, with only one win in their last four trips to the soulless wasteland that is the London Stadium. West Ham escaped Craven Cottage with a point last weekend thanks to Danny Ings’ equalizer at the death, while Christopher Nkunku’s late winner at the Vitality Stadium saw the Blues leave the South Coast with three points. Is it just me, or is the balloon gimmick becoming a bit overplayed? Score at the Etihad and you have free reign to pull out the balloons; at home in a Conference League fixture against Noah, it loses a bit of flair. Jadon Sancho surpassed his production in three years at Manchester United with an assist at the weekend, and with the laughable amount of attacking players that Chelsea currently employ, they will score goals. The midfield and defense remain unconvincing; however, I think Chelsea just about edge this.
Prediction: 1-2 Chelsea
First Goal Scorer: Cole Palmer
Anytime Goal Scorers: Jarrod Bowen, Joao Felix
Aston Villa vs. Wolverhampton Wanderers
15:00, Saturday, September 21st, Villa Park
Wolves travel to Villa for the West Midlands Derby on Saturday afternoon in a duel to determine who can sing “Hi Ho Silver Lining” the loudest. Wolves are looking to bounce back from a collapse of Evertonian proportions at the weekend—conceding two late goals to a lacklustre Newcastle side to remain on one point for the campaign thus far. Their task won’t be getting any easier, as the Villans are in fine form—coming back from two down against the Toffees last weekend to take all three points before thrashing Young Boys (both literal and figurative) in the Champions League on Tuesday evening. Ollie Watkins seems to have rediscovered form, with Villa operating as a well-oiled machine. This has the potential to turn into a long afternoon for Gary O’Neil’s men.
Prediction: 3-0 Villa
First Goal Scorer: John McGinn
Anytime Goal Scorers: Ollie Watkins, Jhon Duran
Fulham vs. Newcastle
15:00, Saturday, September 21st, Craven Cottage
While at the beginning of the season this may have looked relatively straightforward for the Geordies, their inconsistent form away from home may make you reconsider. A draw at the Vitality Stadium on Matchday 2 (should have been a loss—David Coote, hang your head in shame), and the escape act last week following a dull 80 minutes of football at Molineux, has left many unconvinced. Fulham have been relatively consistent thus far, not playing the most aesthetically appealing brand of football but tidy nonetheless. The Cottagers have yet to concede more than a goal in a single match this season and have drawn their last two matches 1-1, so why not make it three in a row?
Prediction: 1-1
First Goal Scorer: Alex Iwobi
Anytime Goal Scorer: Alexander Isak
Leicester City vs. Everton
15:00, Saturday, September 21st, King Power Stadium
I’m beginning to imagine Toffees looking at each fixture much like the meme from Grand Theft Auto with the simple text reading, “Ah shit, here we go again.” The Blues’ latest collapse in the league occurred at Villa Park last weekend, falling 3-2 for a second consecutive week despite leading 2-0 in both. This was then ceremoniously followed by a third-round Carabao Cup exit at the hands of Southampton at Goodison, in a heavyweight battle between two sides that should be right in there amongst it for the Championship playoff 6th spot next season. Leicester may be beginning to batten down the hatches for a relegation scrap themselves, and picking up three points at home against the worst statistical side in Europe’s top five leagues this season will be viewed as a must-win.
Prediction: 2-1 Leicester
First Goal Scorer: Fantastic Mr. Fox
Anytime Goal Scorers: Dwight McNeil, Jordan Ayew
Liverpool vs. Bournemouth
15:00, Saturday, September 21st, Anfield
Well, last weekend was unexpected; let’s not do that again. As much as I would love to erase last weekend’s result from my memory and act like it never happened, I must give credit where it is due. Forest came to Anfield with a great game plan and executed it to perfection; on top of that, we were mind-numbingly terrible. Bournemouth this weekend will be no simpler task, and while I’d love to recreate the 9-0 from two seasons ago, I do not believe that will happen. Following the bounce-back at the San Siro midweek, the Reds will have restored their confidence, but an above-average performance will be required to take three points, nonetheless. After his performance on Tuesday, I’d like to see Cody Gakpo start the game, both because he deserves it and Lucho’s legs could do with a rest. I also believe that it may be time to unleash some anarchy and give Darwin his first start of the year for a weary-looking Jota. Either way, I have confidence that we’ll do the business one way or another.
Prediction: 2-0 Liverpool
First Goal Scorer: Cody Gakpo
Anytime Goal Scorer: Darwin Nunez
Southampton vs. Ipswich Town
15:00, Saturday, September 21st, St. Mary’s
Ipswich travel to St. Mary’s in search of their first win of the season against the point-less Saints. The Tractor Boys participated in the first scoreless draw of the Premier League season last weekend on the South Coast, which must be viewed as a solid point away from home against a Brighton side that began this season flying. That’s two results on the bounce for Kieran McKenna’s side, who appear to be building some momentum heading into October. Southampton got thrashed in this stadium last weekend by United, and although they found a way to progress on penalties in the League Cup midweek (Ashley Young, lol), it does not change my opinion of Southampton’s utter lack of quality. Ipswich pick up their first Premier League win on Saturday; I can feel it in my legs that don’t work like they used to before.
Prediction: 0-2 Ipswich Town
First Goal Scorer: Liam Delap
Anytime Goal Scorer: Omari Hutchinson
Tottenham Hotspur vs. Brentford
15:00, Saturday, September 21st, Tottenham Hotspur Stadium
Much like Newcastle, Spurs are a side that I’ve been pretty disappointed with thus far this season. The quality players are there; for whatever reason, it simply is not clicking at the moment. Last week’s hammer-blow defeat at home to an under-strength Arsenal in the NLD will not breed confidence, particularly when playing a side that values the importance of set pieces, such as Brentford. Thomas Frank has crafted the Bees into set-piece masters, and it seems that large generic Nordic lads have just begun spawning from the turf at the GTech. The Bees showed themselves well last weekend at the Etihad and were perhaps unlucky not to come away from the game with a point given their efforts. I think they’ll be rewarded for them this weekend.
Prediction: 1-2 Brentford
First Goal Scorer: Kristoffer Ajer
Anytime Goal Scorers: James Maddison, Ethan Pinnock
Crystal Palace vs. Manchester United
17:30, Saturday, September 21st, Selhurst Park
The things that I would do for the result of the fixture from last season to be replicated on Saturday would land me in prison. I’ve been high on Palace thus far this season, and this weekend I may be sat in the Holmesdale Road Stand banging a drum. As I told you all last weekend, United’s title charge is back on after defeating giants Southampton and footballing juggernauts Barnsley in the League Cup midweek—although I can’t say I mind the scoreline of the midweek fixture 😉 If Palace are to get a result, the main men Eze and JP Mateta must be prepared to take the chances when they fall to them, and trust me, they will.
Prediction: 3-1 Palace
First Goal Scorer: JP Mateta
Anytime Goal Scorers: Eberechi Eze, Amad Diallo, Adam Wharton
Brighton & Hove Albion vs. Nottingham Forest
14:00, Sunday, September 22nd, The Amex
Now that I’ve had a week to reflect, maybe Forest will go invincible. They’ve yet to lose this season, and much like Greece in Euro 2004, they’re simply terrible to play against. Nuno has them well-organized, and they have quality in vital positions that may be overlooked due to the inherently negative style of football that they play. After watching Brighton struggle at home to Ipswich last weekend, this weekend may be no different. The Tricky Trees were Ruthless Redwoods last Saturday, and while I can’t see them leaving the Amex with three points, I believe they’ll find a way to get at least one.
Prediction: 1-1
First Goal Scorer: Simon Adingra
Anytime Goal Scorer: Chris Wood (another tree pun; it’s only right)
Manchester City vs. Arsenal
16:30, Sunday, September 22nd, The Etihad
This fixture last season was the worst game of the entire Premier League season. While AFTV wildly celebrated losing the league at full time, I was celebrating the merciful final whistle. Will either side try to score this weekend? I truly don’t know. In all honesty, if City walk out wearing the kit that looks as though it was designed by someone on a cocktail of hallucinogens, horse tranquilizer, and Ambien (oh wait, it was), I may just jam my chair through the television screen. The robot has begun the season by scoring nine goals in his first four, and it just may be ten in five after Sunday. I don’t think Arsenal left their own half last season; maybe they’ll get a few touches in the City penalty area this year.
Prediction: 1-0 115 Charges
First (and only) Goal Scorer: Erling Haaland
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