Welcome to the Season preview, where my unadulterated bias will provide you with a framework of what to expect from each top- flight side this season. If you’re reading this to see where a complete stranger will predict your club to finish, I’ve taken the liberty to embolden the prediction below the paragraph so that you’re able to skip the critical thought and leap straight to the outrage. Enjoy.
Arsenal: Following another season of dominating every Twitter tactico’s imaginary measuring sticks of “aura” and “field tilt” while failing to win a single piece of silverware, the Gunners will once again have their sights set on not bottling the league for the third successive season. Mikel Arteta’s side will undoubtedly finish near the top as the team does possess quality in all areas of the pitch, however it remains to be seen if the diminutive Spaniard will be capable of outlasting the likes of Pep and City over the next nine months. The lone addition of granite sculpture Riccardo Califiori will have a minimal impact on the current starting XI, and ultimately will not be enough to propel Arsenal to the top of the league when all is said and done. Prepare for weekly wild over- celebrations at the Emirates after squeaking by powerhouses such as Bournemouth and Fulham followed by an inevitable conclusion.
Predicted Finish: 3rd
Aston Villa: While the 23-24 season will be an incredibly difficult act to follow for Emery and Villa another top 6 finish is certainly not out of the question. With notable starters Douglas Luiz and Moussa Diaby exiting the club during the summer window, incomings featuring the likes of Amadou Onana (don’t put him on pens), Ian Maatsen (surely an upgrade on the Polish Cafu), Ross Barkley (how is he only 30 years old), and Juventus youngster Samuel Iling Junior seem to have bolstered an already sturdy squad. With the demands of a Champion’s league campaign, a slight dip in form may be expected, and avoiding the Jekyll and Hyde performances that plagued the Villans down the stretch of last season will be integral to competing for these spots once more.
Predicted Finish: 6th
Bournemouth: The Cherries enjoyed consistent success throughout the 23-24 season. This was thanks in large- part to talismanic striker Dominic Solanke, who completed a €64 million pound move to Tottenham Hotspur over the summer. Notable incomings in the form of Enes Unal from Satan’s club Getafe, and teenager Dean Huijsen from Juventus are promising, but leaves the club woefully short in replacing the production of Solanke. The ex- red scored over a third of the club’s goals in the league last season, and without evidence of a current player within the squad capable of shouldering this load, storm clouds may be beginning to form on the South Coast.
Predicted Finish: 17th
Brentford: The Bees experienced a nervy 23- 24 season, with the prospect of a relegation battle looming for long periods prior to the bottom three showing how truly horrific they were at playing football. The prolonged absence of serial gambler and bookmaker Ivan Toney hindered the Bees’ attack, while the previously stouthearted and industrious midfield and defense dealt with their share of shortcomings as the season progressed. There was not a great deal of movement in the summer transfer window, with the only notable addition to the squad coming in the form of Fabio “I just want to be loved” Carvalho for €27 million pounds from Liverpool. All in all, as long as Ivan Toney keeps the alias on his PaddyPower account and the Bees avoid devastating injuries, another midtable finish is in the cards (ha).
Predicted Finish: 12th
Brighton and Hove Albion: Following a relatively disappointing season by Brighton’s recent standards (imagine that sentence in 2010), the Seagulls will be looking to improve in the upcoming campaign. Roberto De Zerbi’s exit to Marseille opened the door for Brighton’s loony (and typically successful) outside the box experimenting, and in classic maverick fashion the club has hired Fabian Hurzeler, the youngest man to ever permanently manage a premier league club. Club captain and footballing icon James Milner is 8 years his boss’ senior, and when his hamstring undoubtedly deteriorates as he tries to tactically foul Phil Foden 10 minutes into the game at the Etihad, we may just see a straight swap for the manager. Hurzeler’s resume is understandably short but palpable, leading Bundeliga 2 side St. Pauli to promotion and a league title last season. Hurzeler seems a qualified appointee, it’s just so Brighton though, isn’t it? The club parted ways with Pascal Groß over the summer, while welcoming newcomers Mats Wieffer from PSV as well as highly sought after teenager Yankuba Minteh from Newcastle. Just about good enough to challenge for Europa League Lite I reckon.
Predicted Finish: 9th
Chelsea: Christ on a motorbike, where do you even start? After failing spectacularly in the league for a majority of the 23-24 season and losing the League Cup to Jürgen Klopp’s grandchildren, owner Todd Boehly decided to take a shrewd and rational approach to the upcoming season. By shrewd and rational, I mean hysterical and deranged. He sent Poch packing immediately following the final whistle on MW38, and swiftly replaced him with Pep Guardiola’s stunt- double Enzo Maresca (it remains to be seen whether Boehly realized that it was not in fact Pep that he was hiring). Furthermore, the buying spree that followed has left the current Chelsea Squad 10 short of the regular season 54-man NFL roster requirement. Academy boys Conor ‘proper Chels’ Gallagher and Trevoh Chalobah have been publicly evicted from the first team dressing room (presumably to make room for the 7th and 8th first team goalkeepers that the club has just signed) and Cole Palmer has just been made to sign a blood pact with Todd Boehly, granting him his soul until 2033. On a positive note, the club was able to sign Pedro Neto, who is already becoming intimately acquainted with crutches, the medical staff, and Reece James.
Predicted Finish: 10th
Crystal Palace: When I think of Crystal Palace in recent years, I can’t help but think of Roy Hodgson. Coaching football at the highest level for nearly a half century is astounding, but my God you could tell that it was time for him to stop. After replacing Hodgson with Canada Goose representative Olivier Glasner, Palace seemed to undergo a transformation as dramatic as the shift in managerial attire. French striker Jean Phillipe- Mateta seemingly became a reincarnation of Thierry Henry and 19-year-old Adam Wharton spawned from the turf at Sellhurst Park to show the League a new look Palace. Holding onto key figures Marc Guehi and Eberechi Eze over the summer bodes well for the Eagles, with the only piece needing replacing coming in the form of Michael Olise who completed a transfer to Bayern Münich in July. Palace will play exciting football but won’t be consistent enough to break into the top half of the table.
Predicted Finish: 11th
Everton: The 24-25 season will be the last for the Old Lady, as she’ll swiftly be bulldozed and turned into a housing development as the season comes to an end. The Bloos will then move 2 miles to the Bramley Moore King Power Stadium, where the weekly Boos echoing from the arena will drown out all freighter fog horns that meander down the River Mersey. Everton have been busy in the transfer market, and despite the price of outgoings outweighing the price of the incomings there will be an arbitrary and inexplicable points deduction somewhere along the way. The squad doesn’t appear all that different from last season’s mediocrity, while holding onto Jarrad Branthwaite will certainly be a boost for the Evertonian’s yearly struggle for survival. The Toffees will survive yet again, but we will still undoubtedly be able sing ‘Since 1995’ as the curtain is lifted at Bramley Moore on the opening day of 2025.
Predicted Finish: 14th
Fulham: The Cottagers enjoyed a relatively comfortable season in 23-24, never nearing the threat of relegation, while never challenging for anything above a mid- table finish. The Louis XIV, charcuterie boards, and pastel jumpers will be out in force on the train to Manchester on the 16th of August as the campaign kicks off at 8 p.m. at Old Trafford, a ground in which they (and a lot of other sides) enjoyed great success last season. The loss of Joao Paulinha to Bayern Munich will be a blow, while the new signing of Arsenal product Emile Smith- Rowe will help to replace the productivity of Bobby Decordova- Reid’s recent departure. All in all, Fulham will be just about good enough to compete firmly within the mid- table positions this season.
Predicted Finish: 13th
Ipswich Town: Ed Sheeran and Ipswich return to the premier league after a 22 year absence, following back to- back promotions from League 1 to the First Division. Boss Kieran McKenna has proven himself to be an outstanding man- manager, continuing a trend that has followed him throughout his coaching career at the U-18 level before taking the reigns at Ipswich. The side opens the season at Portman Road for the noon kickoff against Liverpool on the 15th of August (a statement that would have launched Jürgen into a jaw slacking tirade against TNT), in what absolutely reeks of a 1 nil victory, with the sole goal coming from a Liam Delap long- throw. Ipswich will experience their share of challenging moments this season, but with a sensible blend of experience and wide- eyed youth the Tractor Boys will have just enough to remain in the Premier League.
Predicted Finish: 16th
Leicester City: Leicester return to the Premier League after a 1 season absence with former Nottingham Forest manager Steve Cooper at the helm. While Cooper would not look out of place in a powdered wig captaining the HMS Victory during the Siege of Gibraltar, he has proven himself to be competent (prior to his sacking) in the Premier League. Leicester boasts defensive options of Liverpool top scorer for the month of December 2022 Wout Faes, as well as Connor Coady, who has just completed celebrations of his disallowed goal against the Reds at Goodison Park 2 years ago. A host of familiar faces that helped to relegate the Foxes return, and with the only notable additions to the squad coming in the figures of Bobby de- Cordova Reid and Facundo Buonadotte, I struggle to see a different outcome this time around.
Predicted Finish: 19th
Liverpool: I’ve written a more in-depth bit about the Reds preseason review in a separate piece, which is also available, but the last 48 hours have made me fume a bit so bear with me. Following the extremely public and embarrassing rejection of famed mountain climber, paella enthusiast, and San Sebastian conservationist Martin Zubimendi the Reds have publicly stated that they no longer need to bolster the defensive midfield. What? Richard Hughes, have you done anything in the last 3 months mate? We are currently the only team to have not made a single signing in the league, and even more worryingly the contracts of Mohammed Salah, Trent Alexander- Arnold, and Virgil Van Dijk seemingly have not progressed whatsoever in the time since Hughes has assumed the role of sporting director. With that being said, the squad has the depth needed to get results, and the first impressions of Arne Slot have been gleamingly positive, but will it be enough to win the league? I fear not.
Predicted Finish: 2nd
Manchester City: What do you want from me? Yes, you’ll win the league. Will it count in 2 years? Maybe, depending on how much you spend on the litigation. Will anyone apart from the City fans care? Not really. For the actual City fans that supported your club from the doldrums prior to the blatant cheating, this animosity isn’t aimed at you- it’s for those of you that used to be season ticket holders in the Stretford End. Julian Alavarez’ departure this summer may have a bit of an impact, particularly if the robot that is Erling Haaland finds himself sidelined for extended periods, but I’m afraid that we all know how this ends- with laser light shows, Liam Gallagher acting like a bellend on Twitter, and Pep begging people to fill the Etihad to watch him lift his fifth consecutive title.
Predicted Finish: ***1st
Manchester United: The week before the season begins is always my favorite time of the year to observe United supporters. As a collective, they seem to have fallen into a time warp, convinced that the modern world has not progressed beyond the days of SAF and league titles. Ten Hag has continued his goal of reassembling an Ajax squad that fell short of reaching a Champions League Final in the most spectacular fashion imaginable, and long may the failure continue. Leny Yoro, the €70 million 18 year- old who’s appeared in 46 games of professional football has already followed in the footsteps of the ‘butcher’ Lissandro Martinez, being ruled out for the first three months of the season following one pre season appearance. Joshua Zirkzee surely will not be seeing the field for extended periods as we’ve been constantly reassured that Rasmus Hojlund in the greatest striker in world football; and defensively, we’ve been told that Matthijis De Ligt, who was essentially replaced by Eric Dier in Munich is the second coming of Nemanja Vidic. Approaching nearly €700 million spent in three seasons, you’d think Ten Hag would be on the verge of success, then again, maybe he’s got a different definition. Not to fret though, because regardless of where they finish, they’re certain to win the league ‘next year.’
Predicted Finish: 8th
Newcastle United: Jason Tindall (I mean Eddie Howe), will lead a much unchanged side to the Newcastle that we saw in 23-24, with minor tweaks here and there over the summer transfer window. The spine of the team remains strong, with Alexander Isak and lifelong Red’s supporter Anthony Gordon leading the attack, supported by a robust midfield of Bruno Guimaraes and Ivan Toney’s pal, Sandro Tonali. The Magpie’s defense will be bolstered by the return of Nick Pope in goal. Without the distraction of Europe to pile onto another horrific injury crisis, Newcastle look poised to return to the form that we became accustomed to seeing in the 22-23 season.
Predicted Finish: 4th
Nottingham Forest: Nottingham Forest owner Evangelos Marinakis approached Todd Boehly levels of man- child behavior last season. After firing off a tweet between Koppabergs that would have brought a smile to the face of Donald Trump from the leisure of the owner’s suite, the Greek doubled down on his tantrum- accusing match officials of being Luton supporters in a context that bizarrely didn’t even make much sense. Forest were woeful for stretches last season, and there has not been a great deal accomplished in the transfer market this summer to persuade me to think that this year will be much different. The chief worry will undoubtedly come from manager Nuno Espirito Santos, under threat of blackmail from Caludio Reyna pending Gio’s playing time. The Tricky Trees will be going down, and it will be a spectacular viewing.
Predicted Finish: 18th
Southampton: After a year in the Championship the Saints find themselves back in the Premier League. Following a Championship Play- off Final in which Adam Armstrong’s lone strike was enough to survive Leeds United’s assault of the woodwork, the side return to the First Division with one goal: staying up. The incoming of ‘Chilean’ Ben Brereton Diaz may provide a spark in attack, and the return of boyhood Saint Adam Lallana will provide a soothing bit of sentimentality for Southampton supporters (they’ll need it); as they remember the days long past of Virgil Van Dijk, Sadio Mane, and Lallana helping to propel the Saints to some of their best ever finishes in the Premier League. Unfortunately, this will be sentimentality alone as the side looks appalling on paper. They will not be Sheffield United 23-24 bad, but it may be close.
Predicted Finish: 20th
Spurs: When Big Ange spoke of the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium resembling a nightclub, Yves Bissouma took that to heart. The midfielder has been suspended indefinitely to begin the season after huffing laughing gas on video (just sniff glue like the rest of us, big man). The brief absence shouldn’t prove to be much of a bother for Spurs however, as they’ve been active in the window this summer. Marquee signings in the form of Dominic Solanke from Bournemouth and Archie Gray from the untamed dumpster fire that is Leeds, bolster the squad, and more importantly ensure that the Blue Nose whinger Richarlison remains firmly planted where he belongs, on the bench. Spurs top to bottom look a competent squad and given better luck in terms of injuries this season, I wouldn’t be surprised to see the large Australian acting as a DJ come May. (if he stays off the gas that is)
Predicted Finish: 5th
West Ham United: The Irons kick- off the season at the London Stadium against Villa this Saturday, in a game that I believe will surprise a lot of people. Although inconsistent for stretches last season, the Hammers have added some quality to an already solid squad. The likes of Crysencio Summerville and Aaron Wan-Bissaka give the side depth on the wings and in defense- positions that were plagued by injury last season. Ex- Dortmund target man Niclas Füllkrug looks to become what human canvas Gianluca Scamacca could not during his time with the Hammers; (a decent footballer) and if his time at Dortmund is any indication, bubbles will indeed be being blown with relative frequency this season.
Predicted Finish: 7th
Wolverhampton Wanderers: Is there a worse place to play than at the Molineux at night in the dead of winter? With Stoke long absent from the Premier League, the old moniker ‘But can he do it on a cold, rainy night in Stoke?’ may well be replaced with ‘Can he survive a shit November night at the Molineux?’ Despite losing defensive mainstay Max Kilman to West Ham and Portuguese winger Pedro Neto to Todd Boehly’s carnival, Wolves will still be their hard- nosed, gritty selves, with Fortress Molineux at the heart of relegation survival. The football may not be great at times, hell, it may be downright unwatchable, but Wolves will find a way as they often have in the past.
Predicted Finish: 15th
Depending on my mental state after the Ipswich game on Saturday, I’ll have more to read next week. Until then, fume, rage, scream, laugh, dance, and enjoy the ride that is watching City cheat their way to another title.
Cole
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